New thoughts...

Most of today was spent in deep conversation with K. Talking about mistakes we both made, hurts we both caused...and how he feels I felt during our marriage. I have a lot to think about now, a new way to look at how I felt...see I can't say he was wrong- but I can't say he was right. I was young when we met (we both were, he was 18 and I was 19)...I thought I was head over heels in love. I still believed I felt that way for the following 6 years, but there were things missing that change our relationship from a deep, loving friendship to a REAL marriage. Things that I couldn't do...and I don't fully know why. I don't know why I was incapable of these things, I felt (and still feel) I LOVE(D) him with all my being. Maybe I was too young and didn't know what REAL love is (was), maybe I just fell out of love and it became habit. I don't know what is is, I wish I did. As I said, lots to think about and evaluate, and yes- this blog is vague, :). I wrote it more to process my own thoughts than to elaborate for your reading pleasure...it's a selfish blog. I think I'm more confused now than I was a week ago...sorting it out....

The Big D

Divorce.

Not a word I ever expected to be applied to me.

Shocked. Heartbroken. Shattered...I'm slowly gathering up the pieces of myself and trying to put them back together. Trying to make sense of how it all came HERE, to THIS. Still so much love, still so much life to live together. It doesn't really matter now, the chips have fallen and I believe we both came out on the losing end. Pain. Fear...but also hope, and renewal. My best friend, gone...not the same...but not entirely different.

Tired. Anxious. Regretful...and longing...oh the longing.

Tears. Anger. Love. Forgiveness...the last of these is the most important. Must forgive...for us. For our beautiful boys...so forgive I do. I still love you. I'm still here. I miss you...wherever you are.

Big Steps

Wow. If anyone told me that I'd be in the place I am now, 3 or 4 years ago, I'd have laughed in their face. Here I am sitting on the brink of the end of deployment, 25 year old, "single mom" of 2, waiting for my husband to get back from war. As hard as it's been, I don't think I'd trade this experience for the world. I am SO much stronger and independent from it, my husband and I have made HUGE strides in our relationship, and I can't wait to live life to it's fullest! I've found I can do things by myself I never thought I could, raising 2 kids alone? Check! Single taking on ALL household responsibilities alone, DOUBLE CHECK. Taking EVERY freaking crisis known to man on alone, CHECK. Giving birth to our son without him, DONE. I look back at who I was a year ago; dependent, scared, unable to take on ANY confrontation- that's not who I am anymore. I've done things I never thought possible, taken on family problems (my side and his) that I never thought I could face without him, and come out stronger on the other side.

Strangely, I've also come to realize how much I need my husband. How much I love him. He is my existence, my life, my reason. I adore him, I love him, he is my hero, my savior, my best friend, my lover...my world. We are forever. There were times I wasn't sure we were going to make it, but we both wanted to fight for this, so we did. We've come to some huge decisions about our life, where we want to go, who we want to be, how we want our kids to be raised.

This growth hasn't come easy though, I've cried my eyes out many times. Wanted to give up, regretted decisions I've made, hated my husband, hated myself, been so mad at everyone around me, and cried some more. It's definitely been a rough road, but as I've said worth it. Can't wait for my countdown to be over!

I can't wait for the little things, folding laundry while Kevin plays with the boys, cooking him dinner, baking him brownies, cuddling on the couch, fighting over the remote, laughing at our stupid jokes...so exciting!

CLOTH DIAPER LOVE Part One (Cost)

(Isn't it SOOO CUTE??)

Oh my goodness, I have found a new love!! CLOTH DIAPERS! Before you say "Eww" or call me a "tree-hugger" ( read My MIL's blog about Word Twisting for a laugh about "tree-hugging" ) listen to what I have to say first!


1. $COST$- Do you even know how much money you spend on regular disposable diapes? Now I've done some online research and it says you can spend anywhere from $50-$80/month on disposable diapers...wow. That floored me- no WAY I was spending that much. I did some number crunching. I have 2 kids in diapers (DON'T get me started on the one that SHOULD be pt'ing right now), my 4 month old goes through diapers MUCH faster than my 3 year old, I also can buy the cheaper diapes for my 3 year old rather than buying the more pricey ones I buy for my 4 month old who leaks out the cheapies. I buy diapers every pay check (1st and 15th of every month), I spend about $20/package for my 4 month old and use about 2.5 to 3 packages/month ($60/month!!!!), for my 3 year old I spend $7/pack LUVS @ WINCO) and buy about 2.5-3/month (about $21/month). Then cost of extra trash bags, or in my case SPECIAL bags to go in my diaper pail which cost about $6 for 10 bags and I have to buy those every 2 weeks also (another $20)... I'm not even factoring in WIPES (which I will later). So my grand total for DIAPES and disposal of said diapes is (drum roll please...) $101/month. Wow, that's over $1200 a year- JUST ON DIAPERS. If you only have one child and that child is in diapers for 3 years...that's $3600.

Ok so average cost of using cloth diapes?? So far I've spent $76 on 16 cloth diapers, inserts and prefolds (either child can wear these diapers also). I wash every day (I do laundry every day with a new born anyway so no difference to me). So far the most amazing thing to me is how little I take trash out to the dhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifumpster anymore! I love that!! I also love that I never have to worry about running out of diapers. BUT back to cost, $76 and I'm set. I, of course, will buy more to make it so I don't have to wash as often (plus truthfully I'm addicted to finding CUTE prints and colors). For about $25 less than I'd spend a month on diapers I've got cloth diapers for both children and I don't HAVE to buy more!

Now, I don't buy them new from expensive sites. You can buy them on ebay quite cheap (I spent $1.79 on one SHIPPED) but my favorite place to look is DiaperSwappers. They have pockets (my favorite kind), prefolds, flats, covers, WAHM made (work at home mom), etc. Plus it's a great source for information about CD'ing.

Not convinced yet? Check back, next I'm gonna talk about cloth wipes!!!

Epic Failure and a Great Vacay

So, obviously I have failed at the 30 day blog challenge. I think I need to find a challenge with questions that may be more interesting to me. Until then I shall post about my past few weeks! I went to Idaho to visit my parents, and had so much fun! The area they live in is absolutely beautiful, and it has EVERYTHING you could ever want to do there. It was so relaxing and I always enjoy being with my parents. Zero (my yorkie) enjoyed having the big yard to run around in with his "uncle" Bentley (my parents yorkie) and honestly so did Mason. I think Mason spent at least half of his time in the yard! He "organized" rocks; biggest to smallest and color, running around with the puppies and using his imagination :) Judah got lots of cuddles from Grandma, and I got contact with adults! I got to eat great food; BBQ, Mexican (LAVA BOWL!!), and my Mommy's cooking. I rode a Harley for the first time, went to some GREAT yard sales and even got to sleep in (woo! 8:30am). It was a great little getaway and I really needed it. Hard to come home to the empty apartment though, I really miss Kevin, but we're almost done and then I can be with him!!! YAY. All in all it's been a great couple weeks.

Pics from my trip-



Pooped Out Zero



Judah @ Cabela's



LAVA BOWL


Also discovered my new fave site for a laugh:
Bluntcard.com

check it out! :)

Funny Video! :)

Just a little Army laugh for the day :)

Day 4: My Favorite Photograph of My Best Friend

I love this picture of Kev. It has his killer smile in it, and the best part is he's looking at me with that smile :) I love him so much. This day was one of the proudest moments in my life. I'm proud and happy to support him in his decision to join the Army. <3

Day 3: My Idea of the Perfect First Date

The perfect first date...gonna have to go with mine and Kevin's first date. We went to his house and he played me some guitar songs then we went bowling. It was great, even though I hate bowling. I hate wearing shoes a million other people (with God knows what going on on their feet) have worn, and sticking my fingers in bowling balls that a million other people have touched with their hands (that have picked their nose, coughed into their hands, wiped their unmentionables and not washed etc you get the point.) blech. Nothing about bowling is appealing. Kevin was so sweet and funny throughout the whole night though, he really made the night enjoyable. I really fell for him that first night, and was hooked since!


Short but sweet post :)

Day 2: Favorite Movie

Hands down my favorite movie is "300". Not even a hard question. The cinematography is beautiful (LOVE that golden filter), the story is great (I love ancient Greece), and the people in the movie...GORGEOUS. Who doesn't like to see a bunch of sexy sculpted men in as little as possible proving their manhood by taking out a huge army of their evil foes? I think Frank Miller and Zack Snyder are genius'. Zack has directed 300, Watchmen, Suckerpunch, & Dawn of the Dead (remake). He's amazing! Love that movie.


and remember THIS IS SPARTA!!!

Great quotes from the movie:

"Come back with your shield, or on it" (Queen Gorgo says this to Leonidas before he leaves, I said it to Kevin before he left hahaah!)

"It's just an eye. God saw fit to grace me with a spare."

"Our arrows, will block out the sun..." "Then we will fight in the shade."

"You see old friend, I brought more soldiers than you did."

"Only Spartan women give birth to real men."

30 Day Challenge

30 Day Blog Challenge
day one: my favorite song
day two: my favorite movie
day three: my idea of the perfect first date
day four: my favorite photograph of my best friend
day five: how important do i think education is?
day six: a photo of an animal I'd love to keep as a pet
day seven: my dream wedding
day eight: a song to match my mood
day nine: a photo of the item i last purchased
day ten: a photo of my favorite place to eat
day eleven: what is in my makeup bag?
day twelve: my current relationship, and if single discuss how my single life is
day thirteen: my views on drugs and alcohol
day fourteen: a TV show i am currently addicted to
day fifteen: something i don't leave the house without
day sixteen: my view on homosexuality
day seventeen: how i hope my future will be like
day eighteen: five things that irritate me about the opposite/same sex
day nineteen: my reflection in the mirror
day twenty: the meaning behind my blog name
day twenty one: a photo of something that makes me happy
day twenty two: a letter to someone who has hurt me recently
day twenty three: fifteen facts about me
day twenty four: a photo of something that means a lot to me
day twenty five: who am i?
day twenty six: a photo of somewhere i want to go
day twenty seven: what kind of person attracts me?
day twenty eight: in this past month, what have i learned?
day twenty nine: something i could never get tired of doing
day thirty: a photograph of myself today and three good things that have happened in the past thirty days



Day One:

My favorite song...This is a tough one, I have so many. Right now I'd have to say my favorite song is "Wait For Me" by Theory of a Deadman. It means a lot to me, makes me miss my husband and think of him while he's away. Brings me to tears every time I hear it. Waiting for him has been the hardest thing I've ever done, it's made me grow everyday.

Life's Unexpected Moments

I've known I was pregnant again for sometime now. Feelings of being scared, and not thinking I could handle another one have now been taken over by the hope for a daughter, I actually went out and bought a cute little dress for her even though I was only 10 weeks. Then, I woke up one morning and knew something was wrong. I'm currently going through the second miscarriage in my life. While it's emotionally and physically draining, I'm also relieved. I only gave birth to my son 2.5 months ago, that's a little soon for me. I'm mourning this loss, but also rejoicing in the beautiful sons I have here with me. It has made me cling to them even more (if that's possible) and tell them I love them more times in a day (again, if that's possible). I have had great support from my Mom, and sisters (who are taking turns bringing me dinner and taking the boys for a few hours). I'm so lucky to have a family that rally's around when times get tough. I wish Kevin was here, he's been down this road with me before and it'd be lovely to have him here. I miss him so much it hurts, but I know that this year is just a blip on our 80 year road (yes thats right K I'm forcing you to live to 99, but I'll be 100 so deal lol). I miss Louisiana now more than ever and cant wait to get back to my friends. I'm just said that I got close to some of them AFTER I'd left.

So to all the pillars of strength in my life, thank you. I love you.

Wait For Me

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

[Bridge:]
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Feeling Like A Bad Mom, and Trying To Feel Better

I feel like a failure as a Mother lately. There are days where I just can't seem to keep my son under control, keeping us eating healthy and keeping myself well rested. I feel overwhelmed by housework, cooking meals, changing diapers and paying bills. I constantly compare myself to my older sister and how well behaved her kids are. It's hard to raise a toddler and a new baby at the same time, late nights caused by the latter make it hard to wake up early because of the former.

I started watching "Desperate Housewives" tonight, and while I know it's a TV I've found someone I can relate to, Felicity Huffman's character, Lynette Scalvo. She's an overwhelmed frazzled mom, my soul sister. Suddenly I felt better about how my son behaves and how I try and deal with my everyday life. She has points where she doesn't know what to do to get her boys under control, and even resorts to some desperate (no pun intended) crazy measures. (I/E: leaving them on the sidewalk in her neighborhood to try and get them to behave in the car, "if you can't behave, you can't ride") Finally, someone else who didn't seem to always have the answers of how to deal with a toddler.

I thought, if someone wrote this character, maybe someone else had been there. I feel better, I've found someone to connect with, and can relate to. So yes, my kid my have melt downs, temper tantrums and misbehave from time to time. He may eat peanut butter sandwiches and corn dogs more often than most kids. I may be sleep deprived and nod off during the day occasionally and may not play with him 24/7, but that's ok, I love my son. I teach him to count and his colors, I cuddle with him and read to him. They're both fed, rested, warm and adjusted...and I'm a good mom.

What A Week!

Since last Friday (4/29/2011) my world has been rocky and unstable. I keep waiting for me to find my bearings again, but so far to no avail. On April 27,2011 a young man was killed in Afghanistan, he was a friend of my husband. He was only 20 years old- just a baby. It hit me hard, it brought reality to my doorstep. People were out there near my husband dying and being seriously injured- he was in danger. I'd been able to deal with this whole deployment thing fairly well up to this point because it was winter and the locals stay shut inside their little mud huts, dreaming of the sun and the day they can put our men in harms way. Well, now their dreams are coming to fruition and we are left to pick up the pieces.

I've had so many moments this week (which in case you were wondering has felt like a MONTH)of just sitting on the floor in my kitchen and crying. R & R was wonderful, and horrible. It has made me feel the hole where Kevin usually is even more, and made me ache to have him home with us where he belongs. I am so incredibly proud of my husband (and the men around him) for doing what he is doing- but dammit, this sucks. I want him home watching our new son smile for the first time, roll over and laugh. I want him home to rough house with our oldest boy and to be here for me. Then I remember he's out there doing this for all the men and women who will never come home. He's doing it so he CAN come home to safety and be with us. He's doing it to protect us. I remember these things, pull myself off the floor and keep going.

I want him home, but not at the cost of someone else's life. I don't want him to find any excuse to come home, they need him out there. I'm ok, I'm strong...Army Wife Strong and I can do this.

below are a selection of army wife quotes:

"Army Wife, You try doing this shit."

"Army Wife; I live, breathe and walk amongst the bravest of heroes"

"Army Wife; sucking it up & driving on"