Another Year of Learning (almost) Behind Me

Last year (2009) was a huge year for me! My son turned 1, my husband joined the Army and went to basic training, had a falling out and reuniting with my in laws, and found a strength in myself I never knew I had. As I looked back on that year I thought, goodness I haven't done that much growing since I was a child- surely that won't happen again for many years! Oh how wrong I was, this year was another big year for me. My son turned 2, I have conceived my second son (and will give birth in February 2011), I moved to the other side of the country away from everyone I knew, made friends, sent my husband away on a deployment (ALONE), and drove myself, my son and mother back across the country hauling my belongings behind me at almost 7 months pregnant.

I have amazed myself with the strength I have been able to find within me, especially when it comes at times that I feel I have none left. I hear Kev's voice in the back of my head telling me I can do this, and I find it in myself to do what needs to be done. Whether it's dealing with people, or things that I would have shied away from before, I find suddenly I can do it.

Though I have learned a lot this year, there are still a few things I need to work on-

I despise confrontation, and avoid it at all costs. I am too forgiving (though my Mother says she's not sure that you can ever be TOO forgiving) and too nice to people, and it has been a source of great stress on me lately. I need to learn to let lost causes go. If I am treated poorly by people too many times, I need to learn that I am NOT required to bend over backwards for them. The only people I need to do that for are my sons and my husband, and those others in my life that are willing to do the same for me when the situation calls for it.

I need to learn that it's ok to ask for help, or to be helped. I have had the hardest time living with my parents the last few months, because I have been SO independent the last 10 month living ON MY OWN in another state. I hate asking them to keep an eye on Mason or to give me a ride while my car was in the shop- even worse I hate the things I don't ask them to do. I hate that I am in their house "invading" their space. I know that they are happy to give me a hand at this time, and I know they know I'm grateful. I need to learn that it is ok to need help.

I need to learn greater patience. My son has taught me more patience than I thought I would have ever acquired in my life. The patience I need is not with him, but others. I have no patience for people in general. I lump people into categories sometimes, TEENAGERS are the worst offenders for me. I find that MOST of them are rude, entitled, selfish and ignorant, and so I lump them all together and have no patience for them. I hated when people put me into a group without giving me a chance to prove otherwise, and now I'm doing it to them. I am going to try to be better about that.


As for the rest of the year, I am going to try and love my son MORE (if that's possible). I look at him now, and my heartaches for Kev. I cannot imagine how he must miss his little boy. I couldn't imagine how it would hurt to not see Mason's sweet face every day. I need to try and remember that in his worst "two year old" moments.



So excited for Christmas with my lil' man- wishin' (as always) his Daddy was here to celebrate with us, though I know he'll be with us in "spirit" that day.

<3 to all!

FINALLY Feelin' The Christmas Spirit

Yesterday a gift I had ordered for my son came, and IT finally hit me- Christmas spirit. I know, I know, it's sad that something like COMMERCIALISM made me feel the "holiday spirit", but I think it just took this simple gift arriving to jolt me into the fact that it is "the most wonderful time of the year". When I saw that package I started thinking about making cookings with my son (and nieces and nephews), spending time with family and friends, sharing stories and being close with those I love. Though Christmas will definitely be different without Kevin home, I still want it to be as warm and wonderful for Mason as possible. I thought for sure I'd overcompensate with TOO many gifts, but I have stayed within my budget and cannot even THINK of spending another dime on Christmas (I have money set aside for "stuffers", and that is STILL within my budget). I want Mason to experience the joy of the holiday season through being with his family, THAT is what the holidays are truly about for me. Traditions, family, love...those are the things I want him to know are important- not THINGS.

Now, I am not the sort of person who thinks that belongings are evil, or that wanting things is wrong. I AM all for capitalism and such, but I don't want my kid thinking he is ENTITLED to ANYTHING, especially EVERYTHING he (thinks he) wants!


I hope this holiday season finds everyone well and happy!

--Mandi

One Month Down, 11 To Go

I wish there was a way to bottle the calm Kevin brings to me, so that I could have it around when I need it most. I am one of those people that when it comes to telling me not to worry about things...well you might as well tell me to stop breathing (though I think that the latter would be easier than the former). Kevin is what I call a "chill catalyst", he had this reputation in basic too. People would just come sit near his bunk just because there was something relaxing about being near him, it's truly amazing. He just never worries. I don't know if it's because he just thinks things through logically, or what, but I have never seen that man worry. I need him now. I don't know what I'm even worried over, but my stomach is in knots, I have heartburn and I cannot shut off, relax and go to sleep tonight.

I know that I do have a lot on my plate, things going on in both of our families as well as worrying about our own lil' family of 3 1/2, but nothing going on warrants this churning feeling I can't shake.

I am not ashamed to admit that not but a few months ago I went off my anti-depressants. I didn't want to go off of them, and heaven knows I would love to be back on them right now, but I was told this is safer for my son, so I'm off of them. Depression isn't the BIG reason I was on these meds, it's my anxiety. I once stressed so much I gave myself hives on the inside of my body- I didn't even know that was possible. These meds helped me focus on the here and now, and not worry about things beyond my control, and it also help me let go of the things I had no control over. THAT is what I miss, and THAT is also what Kevin helps me achieve when he is around. He is my better half in that regard!

I have only had ONE melt down since he's been gone, ONE. I am so amazed, yet disappointed. I want to be strong enough that I handle everything effortlessly, I know that is unrealistic, but when your hubby is ARMY STRONG, you want to be as well. I want to keep everything as light, happy & fulfilling for Mason (and Judah once he arrives) as possible. I want as little of the hurt, anxiety and pain of this situation to touch them, I want them to think Mommy is strong.

The past few nights I have seen just how much Mason needs me while Kev is away. He climbs up into my bed at night, puts his arms around my neck and falls back asleep. He just needs to know I am there for him, that I too am not leaving him. That's a huge responsibility, being my childs rock. A job that I am happy to step up and do, of course, but what a responsibility it is.

I am SO glad I have my family around me, my Mom and my sister, Steph have been the BIGGEST supports in my life right now. Always there to step up and take Mason while I run quick errands, or just be an ear for me to talk to. I love them, and I'm not sure how I would have survived this month without them. So, the first month in and I'm going to say that this mission is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is different. I'm stronger in a lot of ways than I thought I would be, and weaker in others. One things for sure, this is going to be a HUGE growth experience for me again!

Two Weeks In

Here I am, 2 weeks in to my first deployment, my kids are still alive and so am I- so that's a plus! It's been an up and down kind of time since Kev left. Lots of sad- missing him and hearing Mason call for him, and lots of happy- being surrounded by my loving family again and seeing how much Mason loves all of them too. So far, it's been nice to be back in Tremonton. I really enjoy being around my parents, sisters & the kids again, what a huge support system I have right within my own lil' family :) Been tough too, not having a place that is just mine and Mason's (soon to be Judah's too)! Still trying to figure out how to close on the other apartment without having to go all the way back to Louisiana, but that may be my only option. I also miss Louisiana, it's the first place I've lived (outside of California) that has really felt like "home", who knows why though. There isn't much around but I still love(d) it. The weather is killing me, I went from the 80's in LA to the stinking 40's here in UT! BRRR!!! I've had a horrible head cold and asthma troubles from the minute we hit UT, but I'm hoping it'll go away soon. I've gotten to talk to Kevy a few times here and there on SKYPE and FACEBOOK, I even got a phone call on Monday! It's hard to be SO far apart from each other, but I am incredibly proud of him and am honored to be his wife. The struggles only strengthen the love I have for him, and I know he feels that way too.

In other news I'm totally counting down the days until I get to meet Judah! I can't wait to see what (and who) he's going to look like, what kind of baby he will be, and mostly how Mason is going to react to being a Big Brother! I'm nervous too tho, I will be a Mom of 2 after he arrives...and a SINGLE Mom at that for about 9 months after he's born, curious to see how I adjust as well. I really LOVE the idea of just having my two boys, so I'm thinking about getting my tubes tied after Judah arrives, I just don't think I could handle anymore kids, 2 is enough for me.


I'm hoping to have pictures from Kev sometime in the near future to share with everyone, but for now here are a few I took before he left.

The Silent Ranks Poem

The Big Day Approaches!

So here I am staring down the barrel of my first deployment! I have spent the last few weeks cleaning, packing, and stressing (worried anything I say or type will violate OPSEC, the emails from the head honchos get scary! lol). The packing is going VERY well, so few boxes! This has inspired me to get rid of most of the crap gathering dust in the storage unit in Utah, I kind of figure if I've gone 10 months without it, how much can I need it? Aside from the baby items I will obviously be needed within the next few month, I think most of it can be given the old heave ho! Life around here has been slowly changing, M is growing faster than I can believe and the next baby (unknown gender as of right now) will be here before I can be fully prepared I think! K has one foot out the door practically, but that's something we try not to focus on right now, we try just to enjoy when he is here and make the most of it we can for Lil' M who is too young to understand what a shake up is coming his way.

I have decided to return back to Utah (though this was a ROUGH decision, given how much I abhor that state, and how things have been in my Utah family since I left), but I need the support and love of my family and so does M and new baby. I am sad to leave Fort Polk behind though, as little as there is around here, I still have really grown to love it- honestly it's the first place since I left California that I've really felt at home. I figure that this will be a good time to set some easy goals for myself and my kids. Things like spend time without the TV, eat better, and get exercise. The last should be easy, M LOVES to get out and run around!

I'm hoping that I am strong enough to keep my shi* together for my kids the next year or so, I think I am, but this will definitely be a trial. I hope that the strength K and I have gained over the last year or so will carry us through this separation and that the distance and time will just make our hearts grow fonder. I simply adore my husband, I have learned he is PERFECT- he may not be perfect to everyone but to me he is! Does he have flaws, of course, but those are part of him and in the end I've learned to make them endear him more to me, rather than distance him. I feel it will, time will tell.

The Last Few Weeks

So Kevin has been training for the past 3 weeks and he comes home in a couple days! I am so excited to get back to "normal" around here! I have made a great new friend that I really enjoying spending time with, and it has really helped ease the hardships of Kevin being away this time. Our kids play really well together, and she & I never seem to run out of things to talk about! We ventured out to our FRG (family readiness group) meeting this week hoping to get to know more of the ladies in our FRG. It was a great experience even though there were only about 10 of us there, it was nice to see so many of us felt the same way while our men are gone. It really helps to know it's not only your child that acts up while their father is gone, or that it's not just in your life that the proverbial shit hits the fan the second they walk out the door! We talked about great ideas for our FRG as well like game nights, play dates and classes to help us learn how to do things like fix basic car & household problems. I am excited to get to spend more time with many of the ladies, they seem really nice.

The only thing great friends cannot ease is the loneliness of going to bed alone. It's hard to look to the right side of the bed and not see Kevin laying there. It's hard not to have someone to cuddle and kiss at night.

In some ways though, as bad as it sounds, it is easier to not have an extra person in the house. Less food to buy & prepare, less dishes, less laundry, and less mess! Though, I would gladly trade all of that to have Kevin home again.

All in all, it has been an alright few weeks without Kevin. I have had A LOT of help from my friends, and family, they've all pulled me out of some tight spots and I really appreciate all of them helping me out! Means a lot to know I'm not alone in all of this.

Crazy Expectant Mom

I wish more people understood that I am not insane, and I really do know what causes pregnancy, lol. I DID plan to be pregnant and probably give birth to my second child while my husband is an active duty, deployed Infantryman.

The reasoning behind my decision? For starters, I was ready to have my 2nd (and probably last) child because my first will be 2 at the end of this month and I don't want my kids 5 years apart! Then I also would like Kevin to be the father of my children, so I had to think if something happened to him- he ends up in a wheel chair, is hurt badly or God forbid, ends up being KIA I had better have #2 before he leaves. Lastly, I know that I am capable of handling 2 children by myself. I have 7 neices and nephews and have watched several of them for long periods of time with no issues. I know that 2 kids alone is something I am more than equipped to handle.

So, no I am not insane. It wasn't an accident. I am excited,nervous, scared, ready and not ready all at once. That is all! :)

Turning Over A New Leaf

Kevin left for training early this morning, and all day I have been wallowing in my depression and boredom. As I finished crying for the millionth time today, I decided that I am not going to do this the whole time he is gone. I am going to keep up with my drawings & paintings, scrapbook, and maybe get back to blogging (obviously). I love Kevin and he and Mason are my life, BUT, I need to make Kevin less of my "LIFE". I need hobbies and things to do when he's gone. When he's home I focus all my energy into him and Mason and that's great- that's what I enjoy doing. Except that leaves me with a large void of "well, Kev's gone and Mason's asleep so what do I do with my time other than veg in front of the television?"

I think having hobbies is going to be a vital part of surviving the upcoming deployment. I need to have distractions and things I enjoy doing to keep me from focusing on the time he is gone. I picked up painting/drawing a few months ago, and I have really enjoyed that! I love how it feels to create something that I think up, even if it's mediocre at best :)! As I type this blog, I remember how good it feels to put my feelings down "on paper" so to speak.

So here goes, trying to put it all down and make sense of it, maybe help some fellow army wives along the way!

I really do believe what they tell me in FRG meetings WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!