Wednesday, November 30, 2011

New thoughts...

Most of today was spent in deep conversation with K. Talking about mistakes we both made, hurts we both caused...and how he feels I felt during our marriage. I have a lot to think about now, a new way to look at how I felt...see I can't say he was wrong- but I can't say he was right. I was young when we met (we both were, he was 18 and I was 19)...I thought I was head over heels in love. I still believed I felt that way for the following 6 years, but there were things missing that change our relationship from a deep, loving friendship to a REAL marriage. Things that I couldn't do...and I don't fully know why. I don't know why I was incapable of these things, I felt (and still feel) I LOVE(D) him with all my being. Maybe I was too young and didn't know what REAL love is (was), maybe I just fell out of love and it became habit. I don't know what is is, I wish I did. As I said, lots to think about and evaluate, and yes- this blog is vague, :). I wrote it more to process my own thoughts than to elaborate for your reading pleasure...it's a selfish blog. I think I'm more confused now than I was a week ago...sorting it out....

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Big D

Divorce.

Not a word I ever expected to be applied to me.

Shocked. Heartbroken. Shattered...I'm slowly gathering up the pieces of myself and trying to put them back together. Trying to make sense of how it all came HERE, to THIS. Still so much love, still so much life to live together. It doesn't really matter now, the chips have fallen and I believe we both came out on the losing end. Pain. Fear...but also hope, and renewal. My best friend, gone...not the same...but not entirely different.

Tired. Anxious. Regretful...and longing...oh the longing.

Tears. Anger. Love. Forgiveness...the last of these is the most important. Must forgive...for us. For our beautiful boys...so forgive I do. I still love you. I'm still here. I miss you...wherever you are.