One Month Down, 11 To Go

I wish there was a way to bottle the calm Kevin brings to me, so that I could have it around when I need it most. I am one of those people that when it comes to telling me not to worry about things...well you might as well tell me to stop breathing (though I think that the latter would be easier than the former). Kevin is what I call a "chill catalyst", he had this reputation in basic too. People would just come sit near his bunk just because there was something relaxing about being near him, it's truly amazing. He just never worries. I don't know if it's because he just thinks things through logically, or what, but I have never seen that man worry. I need him now. I don't know what I'm even worried over, but my stomach is in knots, I have heartburn and I cannot shut off, relax and go to sleep tonight.

I know that I do have a lot on my plate, things going on in both of our families as well as worrying about our own lil' family of 3 1/2, but nothing going on warrants this churning feeling I can't shake.

I am not ashamed to admit that not but a few months ago I went off my anti-depressants. I didn't want to go off of them, and heaven knows I would love to be back on them right now, but I was told this is safer for my son, so I'm off of them. Depression isn't the BIG reason I was on these meds, it's my anxiety. I once stressed so much I gave myself hives on the inside of my body- I didn't even know that was possible. These meds helped me focus on the here and now, and not worry about things beyond my control, and it also help me let go of the things I had no control over. THAT is what I miss, and THAT is also what Kevin helps me achieve when he is around. He is my better half in that regard!

I have only had ONE melt down since he's been gone, ONE. I am so amazed, yet disappointed. I want to be strong enough that I handle everything effortlessly, I know that is unrealistic, but when your hubby is ARMY STRONG, you want to be as well. I want to keep everything as light, happy & fulfilling for Mason (and Judah once he arrives) as possible. I want as little of the hurt, anxiety and pain of this situation to touch them, I want them to think Mommy is strong.

The past few nights I have seen just how much Mason needs me while Kev is away. He climbs up into my bed at night, puts his arms around my neck and falls back asleep. He just needs to know I am there for him, that I too am not leaving him. That's a huge responsibility, being my childs rock. A job that I am happy to step up and do, of course, but what a responsibility it is.

I am SO glad I have my family around me, my Mom and my sister, Steph have been the BIGGEST supports in my life right now. Always there to step up and take Mason while I run quick errands, or just be an ear for me to talk to. I love them, and I'm not sure how I would have survived this month without them. So, the first month in and I'm going to say that this mission is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is different. I'm stronger in a lot of ways than I thought I would be, and weaker in others. One things for sure, this is going to be a HUGE growth experience for me again!

Two Weeks In

Here I am, 2 weeks in to my first deployment, my kids are still alive and so am I- so that's a plus! It's been an up and down kind of time since Kev left. Lots of sad- missing him and hearing Mason call for him, and lots of happy- being surrounded by my loving family again and seeing how much Mason loves all of them too. So far, it's been nice to be back in Tremonton. I really enjoy being around my parents, sisters & the kids again, what a huge support system I have right within my own lil' family :) Been tough too, not having a place that is just mine and Mason's (soon to be Judah's too)! Still trying to figure out how to close on the other apartment without having to go all the way back to Louisiana, but that may be my only option. I also miss Louisiana, it's the first place I've lived (outside of California) that has really felt like "home", who knows why though. There isn't much around but I still love(d) it. The weather is killing me, I went from the 80's in LA to the stinking 40's here in UT! BRRR!!! I've had a horrible head cold and asthma troubles from the minute we hit UT, but I'm hoping it'll go away soon. I've gotten to talk to Kevy a few times here and there on SKYPE and FACEBOOK, I even got a phone call on Monday! It's hard to be SO far apart from each other, but I am incredibly proud of him and am honored to be his wife. The struggles only strengthen the love I have for him, and I know he feels that way too.

In other news I'm totally counting down the days until I get to meet Judah! I can't wait to see what (and who) he's going to look like, what kind of baby he will be, and mostly how Mason is going to react to being a Big Brother! I'm nervous too tho, I will be a Mom of 2 after he arrives...and a SINGLE Mom at that for about 9 months after he's born, curious to see how I adjust as well. I really LOVE the idea of just having my two boys, so I'm thinking about getting my tubes tied after Judah arrives, I just don't think I could handle anymore kids, 2 is enough for me.


I'm hoping to have pictures from Kev sometime in the near future to share with everyone, but for now here are a few I took before he left.

The Silent Ranks Poem