Last year (2009) was a huge year for me! My son turned 1, my husband joined the Army and went to basic training, had a falling out and reuniting with my in laws, and found a strength in myself I never knew I had. As I looked back on that year I thought, goodness I haven't done that much growing since I was a child- surely that won't happen again for many years! Oh how wrong I was, this year was another big year for me. My son turned 2, I have conceived my second son (and will give birth in February 2011), I moved to the other side of the country away from everyone I knew, made friends, sent my husband away on a deployment (ALONE), and drove myself, my son and mother back across the country hauling my belongings behind me at almost 7 months pregnant.
I have amazed myself with the strength I have been able to find within me, especially when it comes at times that I feel I have none left. I hear Kev's voice in the back of my head telling me I can do this, and I find it in myself to do what needs to be done. Whether it's dealing with people, or things that I would have shied away from before, I find suddenly I can do it.
Though I have learned a lot this year, there are still a few things I need to work on-
I despise confrontation, and avoid it at all costs. I am too forgiving (though my Mother says she's not sure that you can ever be TOO forgiving) and too nice to people, and it has been a source of great stress on me lately. I need to learn to let lost causes go. If I am treated poorly by people too many times, I need to learn that I am NOT required to bend over backwards for them. The only people I need to do that for are my sons and my husband, and those others in my life that are willing to do the same for me when the situation calls for it.
I need to learn that it's ok to ask for help, or to be helped. I have had the hardest time living with my parents the last few months, because I have been SO independent the last 10 month living ON MY OWN in another state. I hate asking them to keep an eye on Mason or to give me a ride while my car was in the shop- even worse I hate the things I don't ask them to do. I hate that I am in their house "invading" their space. I know that they are happy to give me a hand at this time, and I know they know I'm grateful. I need to learn that it is ok to need help.
I need to learn greater patience. My son has taught me more patience than I thought I would have ever acquired in my life. The patience I need is not with him, but others. I have no patience for people in general. I lump people into categories sometimes, TEENAGERS are the worst offenders for me. I find that MOST of them are rude, entitled, selfish and ignorant, and so I lump them all together and have no patience for them. I hated when people put me into a group without giving me a chance to prove otherwise, and now I'm doing it to them. I am going to try to be better about that.
As for the rest of the year, I am going to try and love my son MORE (if that's possible). I look at him now, and my heartaches for Kev. I cannot imagine how he must miss his little boy. I couldn't imagine how it would hurt to not see Mason's sweet face every day. I need to try and remember that in his worst "two year old" moments.
So excited for Christmas with my lil' man- wishin' (as always) his Daddy was here to celebrate with us, though I know he'll be with us in "spirit" that day.
<3 to all!
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