I wish there was a way to bottle the calm Kevin brings to me, so that I could have it around when I need it most. I am one of those people that when it comes to telling me not to worry about things...well you might as well tell me to stop breathing (though I think that the latter would be easier than the former). Kevin is what I call a "chill catalyst", he had this reputation in basic too. People would just come sit near his bunk just because there was something relaxing about being near him, it's truly amazing. He just never worries. I don't know if it's because he just thinks things through logically, or what, but I have never seen that man worry. I need him now. I don't know what I'm even worried over, but my stomach is in knots, I have heartburn and I cannot shut off, relax and go to sleep tonight.
I know that I do have a lot on my plate, things going on in both of our families as well as worrying about our own lil' family of 3 1/2, but nothing going on warrants this churning feeling I can't shake.
I am not ashamed to admit that not but a few months ago I went off my anti-depressants. I didn't want to go off of them, and heaven knows I would love to be back on them right now, but I was told this is safer for my son, so I'm off of them. Depression isn't the BIG reason I was on these meds, it's my anxiety. I once stressed so much I gave myself hives on the inside of my body- I didn't even know that was possible. These meds helped me focus on the here and now, and not worry about things beyond my control, and it also help me let go of the things I had no control over. THAT is what I miss, and THAT is also what Kevin helps me achieve when he is around. He is my better half in that regard!
I have only had ONE melt down since he's been gone, ONE. I am so amazed, yet disappointed. I want to be strong enough that I handle everything effortlessly, I know that is unrealistic, but when your hubby is ARMY STRONG, you want to be as well. I want to keep everything as light, happy & fulfilling for Mason (and Judah once he arrives) as possible. I want as little of the hurt, anxiety and pain of this situation to touch them, I want them to think Mommy is strong.
The past few nights I have seen just how much Mason needs me while Kev is away. He climbs up into my bed at night, puts his arms around my neck and falls back asleep. He just needs to know I am there for him, that I too am not leaving him. That's a huge responsibility, being my childs rock. A job that I am happy to step up and do, of course, but what a responsibility it is.
I am SO glad I have my family around me, my Mom and my sister, Steph have been the BIGGEST supports in my life right now. Always there to step up and take Mason while I run quick errands, or just be an ear for me to talk to. I love them, and I'm not sure how I would have survived this month without them. So, the first month in and I'm going to say that this mission is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is different. I'm stronger in a lot of ways than I thought I would be, and weaker in others. One things for sure, this is going to be a HUGE growth experience for me again!
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