BOOT CAMP: DAY 1

So today I started BOOT CAMP.

The goal: 6 days a week, for 5 weeks.

The Insanity...:

Source: healthyisalwaysbetter.tumblr.com via Mandi on Pinterest

I did it today, and I can feel that it's gonna be worth it already! My legs hurt carrying J down stairs for his nap! Finishing up my "recovery" beverage of choice (Special K protein water in Strawberry Kiwi), and having some lunch (ONE homemade enchilada). According to a few sites I've found, at my height and weight Boot Camp burns 784 calories/hour...it take me 1 hour to do all of the drills with warm up and cool down! HOLY CRAP! I'm soooo ready to kick my fat ass into gear and be in bikini shape by July!!!!!!


WISH ME LUCK. (Oh, I DID take a couple "before" photos...dont want to post them right now, maybe 1/2 way thru if I'm seeing some good results I will!!!!)

TGFG'S! (Thank God for Grandmas!)

So over the weekend K's mom took the boys. They LOVE going there and I know she really enjoys having them (as does the rest of K's family). I got to enjoy some "Mandi" time..you know that time where you are YOU...not MOM, you're finally just...a person, not a Mom? I really enjoy that time, and frankly, I freaking need it.

I'm not trying to complain and say I have the hardest job in the world, but being a Mom can be very draining, and I think we all need time to charge our batteries and be GLAD our kids are around- instead of trying to get rid of them for JUST 5 MINUTES PLEASE!!!! (Umm, did that sound desperate?)

You may think, hmm Mandi, you are sitting here typing this blog- you must have found 5 minutes to yourself, BUT, you would be wrong. J is down for a nap, but M is sitting at the kitchen table with me, watching Pooh Bear and asking for a snack, a drink or a hug every 5 minutes. I'm also folding laundry, running the dishwasher, on the phone, and cooking dinner in the crock pot at this very moment.

Mom's don't get 5 minutes to ourselves, we go to the bathroom- it's a conference! "Mom, what you doing? Are you going pee? Are you going poop? Can I have a fruit snack? MOOOOOOOOOMMMM, I REAALLLLY want to take a bath!!!! Mom, hurry I need to potty! I can't use the other bathroom!"

Yeah...and that bath you BEG your Significant other to let you have...yeah in 5 seconds there's little fingers wiggling under the door and a muffled voice saying "Mooooooom! What are you doing? I'm hungry! I need a drink! I need to pee!" You get the picture, right?


Sometimes I believe being a Mom can be the MOST THANKLESS job in the world, but it's also the most gratifying thing I've ever done. I love when I hear my 3yo count to 10, or identify a letter/number, sing a song, learn a new word or ask a new question (the other day he asked, "Mom, what's in between mean?") I know I've TAUGHT him something, I've passed along the (tiny bit of) knowledge I possess. I've made a difference.

That to me is rewarding. The hugs, the smiles, the kisses, the pictures, the "I Love You Too Mom" (which M says REGARDLESS of whether you said it first or not), hearing them laugh and play...makes all the sleep deprivation and no "bubble" worth it all.

But THANK GOD for people that are willing to step in and help you get a few minutes so you don't completely lose your mind! I missed my kids last night when I crawled into bed, and couldn't wait to get them this morning, and that's the way I want to keep it, which is why if their Grandma wants them- she can have them! (...at least for a day or two, then I want them back!)

Homeopathic Remedies

Does anyone else HATE getting antibiotics? I hate it, they make my stomach upset, they ALWAYS give me a yeast infection, they interfere with my birth control...no thanks I'd rather not take them. Last week M, J, the BF (D), and I all had a cold or the flu and it was NASTY! Cough, mucous, swollen sinus, irritated throats, aches, pains, headaches the works! It was awful! So, being the "natural" cure girl that I am, I slathered my boys and myself with oils. A particular oil called Deliverance that my Mom gets from Butterfly Express . Immediately we started feeling better, the boys were better in a matter of a few days. I took a bit longer because I kept forgetting to put oils on myself.


My ex husband, didn't put any stock in the oils- so I didn't offer any to D, because I didn't want to go thru the whole "you're weird" thing again. But we went to visit my parents over the weekend, my mom offered D oils, we put them on him and he was sold! He felt better the next morning! I had a horrible headache from sinus pressure all day saturday and well into sunday morning, my Mom put oils on my spine and forehead and not 10 minutes later I went to blow my nose and I could FEEL the mucous moving out of my sinuses! I love oils, I used one while I was pregnant called "Letting Go" for me, it mimicked the same effects of taking my Zoloft (I am a HIGHLY anxious person, the Z helps me deal with things I can, and let go of what I can't). I used oils for the first 9 hours of my labor with my first child to help relax and progress the labor.

I believe that on this Earth we are provided with everything we need to treat diseases and disorders naturally. Now, I'm also not naive enough to think "Lets just ignore modern medicine entirely" either, there is a time and place for modern medicine. I had 2 C-sections, I wouldn't be attempting those at home alone. But for a treatment of a yeast infection, or the like I'm confident in a homeopathic remedy.


Homeopathic Treatments I Use:

*Yeast Infection- 2 Cups warm water, 6 tbsp cider vinegar and douche bottle. (you can pick up douche at the $1 store, dump out the mixture and rinse out the bottle really well)

Mix the water and CV, pour into the douche bottle and insert into vagina. Use all the water/CV mixture. You can do this 2 times a day, anymore than that I find irritates and drys out the vaginal walls.

I use this at the first sign of a yeast infection and it's usually gone in about 2 days. Another treatment I've used is a tampon soaked in PLAIN yogurt.


*Sinus Infection- 3 tbsp of CV in one glass of water, DRINK QUICK. or do less CV in MORE glasses of water. You find immediately that the mucous thins and starts coming out easier.

*Sore Throat- hot water, honey and lemon. My favorite remedy for a sore throat.


OILS!!!

HUGE SCREAM OF FRUSTRATION

Life is never going to be the same. It's never going to be easy. There's always going to be ups, downs, hurt, joy, pain, tears, love....but I suppose that's what makes life beautiful. I'm in a weird place right now. I just wish there was a way for everyone to get what they want and everyone to be happy. That's NEVER going to happen though, that's not the way things work. I get so frustrated, I'd rather be miserable and everyone around me be happy...for 25 years that's what I've done. Tried to make everyone happy...and now I'm going against that. I'm trying to do what makes me happy.

I get BLASTED on a public forum by someone I thought was family for doing what I'm doing now, when THEY don't have a clue what has gone on in my marriage.

I am standing by my choice to be in a new relationship and not go back to my ex, and I have SO many people that support me, and some that think I'm doing the wrong thing. The few people that think it's wrong...well I'm really hurt. My own sister is not talking to me. She won't answer my calls or my texts, she can barely look at me- but she hasn't even taken the time to ask whats going on. She hasn't asked how I'm doing, NOTHING. I am so beyond hurt. Am I really doing the wrong thing? Am I a horrible person?

I don't know what end is up anymore.

New thoughts...

Most of today was spent in deep conversation with K. Talking about mistakes we both made, hurts we both caused...and how he feels I felt during our marriage. I have a lot to think about now, a new way to look at how I felt...see I can't say he was wrong- but I can't say he was right. I was young when we met (we both were, he was 18 and I was 19)...I thought I was head over heels in love. I still believed I felt that way for the following 6 years, but there were things missing that change our relationship from a deep, loving friendship to a REAL marriage. Things that I couldn't do...and I don't fully know why. I don't know why I was incapable of these things, I felt (and still feel) I LOVE(D) him with all my being. Maybe I was too young and didn't know what REAL love is (was), maybe I just fell out of love and it became habit. I don't know what is is, I wish I did. As I said, lots to think about and evaluate, and yes- this blog is vague, :). I wrote it more to process my own thoughts than to elaborate for your reading pleasure...it's a selfish blog. I think I'm more confused now than I was a week ago...sorting it out....

The Big D

Divorce.

Not a word I ever expected to be applied to me.

Shocked. Heartbroken. Shattered...I'm slowly gathering up the pieces of myself and trying to put them back together. Trying to make sense of how it all came HERE, to THIS. Still so much love, still so much life to live together. It doesn't really matter now, the chips have fallen and I believe we both came out on the losing end. Pain. Fear...but also hope, and renewal. My best friend, gone...not the same...but not entirely different.

Tired. Anxious. Regretful...and longing...oh the longing.

Tears. Anger. Love. Forgiveness...the last of these is the most important. Must forgive...for us. For our beautiful boys...so forgive I do. I still love you. I'm still here. I miss you...wherever you are.

Big Steps

Wow. If anyone told me that I'd be in the place I am now, 3 or 4 years ago, I'd have laughed in their face. Here I am sitting on the brink of the end of deployment, 25 year old, "single mom" of 2, waiting for my husband to get back from war. As hard as it's been, I don't think I'd trade this experience for the world. I am SO much stronger and independent from it, my husband and I have made HUGE strides in our relationship, and I can't wait to live life to it's fullest! I've found I can do things by myself I never thought I could, raising 2 kids alone? Check! Single taking on ALL household responsibilities alone, DOUBLE CHECK. Taking EVERY freaking crisis known to man on alone, CHECK. Giving birth to our son without him, DONE. I look back at who I was a year ago; dependent, scared, unable to take on ANY confrontation- that's not who I am anymore. I've done things I never thought possible, taken on family problems (my side and his) that I never thought I could face without him, and come out stronger on the other side.

Strangely, I've also come to realize how much I need my husband. How much I love him. He is my existence, my life, my reason. I adore him, I love him, he is my hero, my savior, my best friend, my lover...my world. We are forever. There were times I wasn't sure we were going to make it, but we both wanted to fight for this, so we did. We've come to some huge decisions about our life, where we want to go, who we want to be, how we want our kids to be raised.

This growth hasn't come easy though, I've cried my eyes out many times. Wanted to give up, regretted decisions I've made, hated my husband, hated myself, been so mad at everyone around me, and cried some more. It's definitely been a rough road, but as I've said worth it. Can't wait for my countdown to be over!

I can't wait for the little things, folding laundry while Kevin plays with the boys, cooking him dinner, baking him brownies, cuddling on the couch, fighting over the remote, laughing at our stupid jokes...so exciting!